Moving anywhere is stressful enough even if it is just from one town to another. Taking your savings in hand and moving to a new country is not only stressful, it is often seen as being a sure symptom of madness.

“I always knew there was something funny about her!’, your cousin might whisper while plotting what to bring with her when she pops over for a visit next summer. It’s all the more important then that you make damn sure that she finds no reason to justify her doubts about your sanity when she parks herself like a sweaty and unwanted lobster in your favourite balcony chair.

But what are you supposed to do when the gas bottle runs out or the landlord has decided to sell the apartment? Who can you turn to when you can’t work out how to sign on with the social services?

Well, if you had a friendly big brother who had lived here for years and knew all the ins and outs of expat life on the island you could possibly bribe him to share some of his knowledge with you over some a home-cooked paella. Failing that, you could buy Leslie Beeson’s Tenerife Lifeline book which is stuffed full of practical information about living in Tenerife and advice to help you deal with the unexpected.

Not quite as much fun as a big brother maybe but at a measly €9.95 it is worth every penny and will quite possible get you out of a scrape or two just the same.

The sales in Tenerife (and presumably everywhere else) start off slow and then avalanche to huge discounts towards the close of the sales season in March. It’s one thing knowing that you should hold on to whatever dosh you’ve held back from Christmas for another few weeks and quite another to be cringing in embarrassment at the sight of your kid’s skinny ankles poking out the end of every pair of trousers he possesses.

So off we headed to Santa Cruz where my other half decided that Decathalon was the place to go. Que tonterias! What a nightmare. Of course, the sales were barely underway which we expected but the store layout ond the price marking was a joke. While there is a ‘kid’ section it seems very much given over to little girls while the most obvious boys’ bit was from 6 months to 4 years only. Where do all the 5 year old kids get their chandals then?

After much scraping and scrabbling through confusing and poorly marked racks I did find some trousers for the little guy plus stocked up on the Domyo t-shirts for him which are always a good buy and last forever but it wasn’t an enjoyable experience and I won’t be heading back there any time soon.

At least not until we are in the 75 – 80% discount period of the sales.

As for buying goodies for myself in the sales, who needs to go to Santa Cruz? I’ll be heading to Mango in San Eugenio for my loot.

Salvador Dali, famed for his surrealist painting of dripping clocks (which were apparently inspired by runny camembert and were a nod in the direction of Einstein’s theory of relativity) was not so famous for his humility. He once said, “Each morning when I awake, I experience again a supreme pleasure – that of being Salvador Dali”.

In 1958, a Catalan confectioner needed a logo for their new ‘bonbon on a stick’ and if you’ve ever bought your child a lollipop in Tenerife then you’ve seen the result.

Dali died of heart failure at the ripe old age of 84 but not before having a dig at those who don’t make it that far:

Muchas personas no cumplen los ochenta porque intentan durante demasiado tiempo quedarse en los cuarenta.

The sales in Tenerife officially started on January 7th. Given that my kids are currently growing out of their clothes every five minutes, this is my chance to stock the cupboard for the next few months. I swear, the little guy goes to bed at night and wakes up with legs an inch and a half longer every morning. He’s got welly-welts across the calves from last month’s long trousers.

Even so, I expect a lot of moaning and groaning from the spousal department when he sees how much I am going to have to spend on kid’s clothes so I am memorising the following:

A él que tiene su bolsillo
A obscuras, no le da luz
Una acha de seis pavilos

So said Gasper Závala y Zamora in his three act comedy El Buen y el Mal Amigo.

While under ordinary circumstances you would most likely toss the Spanish Lottery scam letter straight into the round file where it belongs, you might, like Angela Reid of Lanarkshire, give it a second thought if you had recently been holidaying in mainland Spain or the Canaries.

The letter announces that you have won an amount of money and informs you that you must send the details of your bank account to an address in Madrid before payment can be made. Mrs Reid fortunately took to the internet where a search quickly brought up details of the Spanish Lottery scam.

Others have not been so lucky. One couple in Moray lost almost £2000 and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that there are many more out there that wish they’d had Mrs Reid’s foresight.

The Spanish/Swiss/German/(insert country of choice) lottery scam can arrive by post, email or phone call. Like the famous Nigerian scam all they are after is your bank details and possibly up front ‘taxes’.

Remember in order to have won a lottery you have to have bought a ticket. Chuck it straight in to the bin where it belongs.

Here she is. This is the black schnauzer that was found roaming at the back of Ulla’s riding centre. She’s such a lovely girl but time is running out. The police are coming to pick her up again on Monday and I’m afraid that after that her future is looking bleak indeed.

Not surprisingly Ulla is pretty desperate to find the owners. Please if there is anyone who thinks they might know anything about this lost soul, phone Ulla now on 646807234.