Surprise, surprise. A Kodak Lens Vision Centre poll revealed that men spend almost a year of their lives ogling women.

Prime goggle territory is, it seems, the supermarket though I suspect the result is skewed by lack of beach and swimming pool opportunities wherever the study was held.

Given the acres of flesh on display on an average day in Tenerife I guess Mercadona would come in a very poor second as a leering location. I know I only have to glance out the patio door when I am visiting Gaga to be slapped in the face with naked boobs and moobs of all sizes or dental floss trussed backsides wobbling unattractively around the pool.

Going topless doesn’t bother me at all really. In general the human body is a beautiful thing but god in heaven what are these people thinking? I see children in g-strings round the pool and I think to myself that if the child is allowed to look this overtly sexual at seven or eight what chance have her parents got of keeping her from leaving the house looking like a tuppenny tart by the time she’s fifteen?

At the other end of the scale are the great wobbling blancmanges which having already consumed the dental-floss g-string look ready to do the same to the nearest small child. What on earth possesses these people to think that they should inflict their huge white bums in such a manner on the rest of us?

I admit I am no Aphrodite myself but then I don’t go baring my wobbly bits for the world to see. Some may say if you’ve got it flaunt it. I say if you’ve got too much of it, please tuck it away in a normal swimming costume.

Back however to our study on men eyeing up women. They are not alone in their appreciation of the opposite sex and it’s not only meat and two veg for tonight’s tea that many women are mulling over whilst they are fondling the cantaloupes apparently. The five top spots that women look at men are at the pub, at the shops, on public transport at the supermarket and at work.

Hmmm. About the only totty I am interested in whilst heaving my overflowing and wonky trolley round the narrow aisles of the supermarket is the kind you layer over mince and veggies to make a shepherd’s pie but to each their own I guess.